DEAR MISS MANNERS: My child’s choir held a concert at a large, historic church. I arrived early and took a seat on the center aisle, where I would have the best view of the singers.
A short time later, an older couple arrived and asked to share my pew. I stood up to allow them to enter. The gentleman indicated that I should go ahead of them, to which I replied that I would like to stay on the aisle. They seemed taken aback and walked off to find other seats.
Does etiquette dictate that those arriving first to an event held in a church must always move to the middle of the pew? Or, as I thought, is it equally polite to stand and allow others to enter?
GENTLE READER: You acted politely within the facts you describe. But before anyone condemns the elderly couple, Miss Manners will also commend you on a second point: not tackling them in the aisle.
Perhaps they are regular parishioners who sit in these seats every Sunday and had, mistakenly, come to think of them as theirs. Perhaps they have a disability issue and therefore wanted you to move aside — but omitted the necessary politeness of asking you to do so.
If either of these things had been true, your staying put would still not have been impolite. But perhaps their surprise at your refusal to relocate would not have rankled as much had you known their reasons for asking.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: The office where I work has about 20 people, half working in person and half remote.
A young woman early in her career, who works remotely and is on several of the regular video calls I attend each week, is friendly and goes out of her way to say nice things to people. She is always the first to notice a new haircut or pair of glasses.
I see that she values these types of compliments, and I try to reciprocate. The issue is that this person dresses wildly — far outside the company dress code, with truly bizarre outfits and hair and makeup combinations that constantly catch me off guard. Think fuzzy bunny costumes with long floppy ears, dramatic eyeshadow, tops made from repurposed straitjackets, and so on.
I’m not her supervisor, and it’s not my job to critique her style, but these sartorial choices are going to hold her back if she stays in our field. I don’t want to encourage it (“Cool bunny ears!”) and am having a hard time thinking of appropriate, complimentary things to say in the moment.
GENTLE READER: We agree that it is not your job to critique her clothing choices. Why, then, would you think it is your job to praise them?
It is immaterial whether the meeting is remote or in person — or, for that matter, whether “in-person” would be the right way to describe someone arriving at the office in a bunny costume.
This is supposed to be a place of work. Wish her a good morning and get on with the meeting.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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