Dear Eric: My mom is almost 92 and is recovering from a stroke. She no longer drives; her poor motor skills don’t allow her to cook or handle hot items on a stove, or shower or bathe herself.
All but one of us siblings agree that Mom needs to be in assisted living with nursing care. The holdout insisted on looking after Mom herself.
Now, however, she realizes that it has become burdensome, and she can’t have her own life, see her friends or look after her own home.
Because I am retired, Sister thinks she can just snap her fingers, and I arrive to relieve her for a month or more at a time. I have no problem visiting Mom, but her level of care is something I am not comfortable with.
Every time the topic of assisted living comes up, Sister has a different reason why she is against it. First, it was because assisted living facilities are “not nice places and hire sub-par people.” Then it was that assisted living is OK, but she doesn’t want to do it against Mom’s will. (Mom has told her she wants to go.)
Then Sister said she wants a place with graduated care so Mom wouldn’t have to move when she gets worse. The list goes on.
While the rest of us siblings are thankful Sister has stepped in to look after Mom, we knew it would eventually come to this. We are all married with families and homes of our own, and we live in other states; Sister, who is single, thinks it’s no longer her turn.
Yes, she should be able to go on a vacation, go check on her house and have her life back. She could do all of that if she would just concede to Mom going into assisted living.
Mom has the funds to provide for her care. But Sister just thinks she can do it better.
Thoughts on how to settle this?
– Care Conflict
Dear Care: I have sympathy for your sister – it’s clear she’s having trouble accepting what’s best for your mother right now. That struggle is preventing her from navigating this clearly.
She may think that she (or you) can provide better care than an assisted-living facility with trained professionals, but that goes against your mother’s stated wishes for herself. And, with regard to some forms of care, that’s not true. Medical professionals are going to be better suited to support your mother and help her rehab from her stroke.
Your sister has some work to do internally, but the first priority is making sure that your mother’s desires are heard and honored. You, your siblings, and your mother should have a meeting where your mother is able to, again, confirm that she wants to move to an assisted-living facility.
Reinforce to your siblings that the goal is to honor your mother’s wishes, not to debate. This is a planning meeting and discussion can come later, if at all.
One of the siblings – perhaps you, but not the sister who is currently caregiving – should take the lead on finding a facility that meets your mother’s wants and needs, then getting her set up and acclimated. Your sister can have input, but she doesn’t get the final say.
Dear Eric: I have had the same dentist for the past 15 years. Within the last year, I have found myself wanting to know him on a personal level.
I know he is not involved in a relationship, and he seems interested as well. How should I proceed?
– Makes Me Smile
Dear Smile: First, find a new dentist. The American Dental Association’s Code of Ethics states, “Dentists should avoid interpersonal relationships that could impair their professional judgment or risk the possibility of exploiting the confidence placed in them by a patient.” So, if he were to date you while you were under his care, he risks compromising himself.
All relationships between patients and medical professionals are built on trust. Patients are in vulnerable positions and divulge personal information, so medical professionals have a duty to treat that vulnerability with care so as to avoid harm, intentional or unintentional.
He also puts himself at risk. For instance, if a relationship with a patient went sour, he opens himself up to accusations of malpractice.
So, before making any moves, stop seeing him professionally and start seeing someone else. At that point, you could – could, not should – reach out through nonprofessional means (so, not his office number) to gauge his comfort with a personal connection.
But you really ought to be careful, almost to a fault. It’s not appropriate for him to express interest in a relationship with a patient, especially one he’s been seeing for 15 years. Honestly, it’s better to direct your well-cared-for smile elsewhere.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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