Dear Eric: My sister (85) and I (80) have been estranged for about five years.
Just before this fallout, my niece invited us for Thanksgiving dinner. She was also inviting relatives of her fiancé who are active Scientologists, a religion that has a well-documented distaste of homosexuals.
I am in a long-term same-sex marriage, and I expressed some queasiness to my sister about being in this company. When she told her daughter, the daughter became hysterical crying and disinvited us the day before the event, fearing that we would make the group uncomfortable.
The shrinks always suggest writing a letter explaining all your feelings and then not sending it. I wrote a long email to my sister, but I sent it anyway.
I expressed my belief that my sister has always coddled her daughter and should have stuck up for us because this fear was misplaced. I also believed that my sister had lied in this instance, plus other personal observations.
Without my permission, she shared it with my niece. All Hell broke loose.
Itâs one thing to have differences of opinion that can lead to estrangement, but how can you ever reconcile with someone who you now feel cannot be trusted? I donât see this as an isolated incident.
If one of us dies it might be unfortunate that this was left unresolved but thatâs where we are. I guess some things just donât get fixed. Perhaps once anyone dies, sooner or later, does anything matter?
What do you think of all this?
â Estranged Sister
Dear Sister: The shrinks are onto something with the whole âwriting the letter but not sending itâ thing.
When weâre in conflict with other people, itâs helpful to first get it all out for ourselves. This shows us whatâs on our side of the street and whatâs on the other personâs side.
Your email became a repository for a lot of different pent-up issues you have with your sister. Her sharing it did violate your trust but consider she likely felt that she and her daughter were being maligned by you.
Thereâs a lot of pain to go around.
I sense that this relationship does matter to you and if you want to salvage a part of it, a good first step is taking an inventory of what you might have done differently, owning up to the things you did that might have hurt or offended her, and reaching out â by phone, preferably â to start an amends.
See if you can keep the conversation centered on ways that you can reconnect and put some of this behind you, rather than relitigate whatâs past. Itâs not going to help you to criticize her parenting, for instance. But it will help to say that you care about her, you want her in your life, and you want to find a path forward.
Dear Eric: My brothersâ wives think Iâm gay. I know for a fact they have talked with my brothers about my sexual orientation.
Unfortunately, I have a real rough past with people making fun of me because I had a learning disability. The whole community put me down.
I never tried dating in high school or after. Iâm sexually attracted to women and would like to have a relationship with a woman. I have not had any luck with online dating.
Iâm afraid that if I did meet a woman, my sisters-in-law would make her feel uncomfortable with me or my family.
I have spoken to my brothers about their behavior, and they seem to not understand or go around it. Iâm not sure what to do or how to handle my problem.
â Rumor Mill
Dear Rumor Mill: Try talking directly to your sisters-in-law. But remember that anything they think or even say wonât affect your truth.
This also extends to any woman you date. If the woman likes you and is comfortable in your relationship, then the opinions of your sisters-in-law wonât matter.
I understand the insecurity that this brings up and its connection to your past bullying. Itâs hard to get other peopleâs voices out of our heads. Try to remember that any woman youâre meeting is meeting you today, in all of your value, complexity, and truth.
Sometimes it feels like other people can see every person that we once were or every part of our pasts we donât like, especially in a situation as vulnerable as dating. But thatâs not the case. Theyâll see who you are today, so your relationship gets to begin on a blank slate.
That means you get to choose when and how you talk about how you were bullied or the tough relationship with your sisters-in-law.
It also means you donât have to introduce any girlfriend to your sisters-in-law until you feel ready. They donât get to decide who you date or how; you do.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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