We have a very good marriage, but I am struggling with resentment and negativity due to my husbandâs work situation. We both work from home. His workload has been nonexistent for 3Âœ months.
His boss keeps saying work is coming but it doesnât. The company is not laying off anyone in his department.
My husband basically takes a walk in the morning and then comes home and naps for hours. Then he goes to the library to read the paper and then takes another nap. He will happily run any errands we need but will not spend time doing anything meaningful.
I have suggested volunteering, but he refuses. He has hobbies that he shows no interest in. We canât travel because he needs to be near the computer and available in case the boss calls.
It kills me that I am busy all day long and have to watch him nap fully clothed in bed. I know I can only change myself, but I am really very unhappy.
Help!
â Office Mate
Dear Office Mate : Sharing a work-from-home setup with oneâs spouse can have its benefits â you tend to like your coworker, for instance. But it can turn sour when said coworker is napping around the office all day like heâs Garfield the cat.
A big difference between your husband and Garfield is that your husband wants to work (Garfield, famously a hater of Mondays, does not.)
I suspect some of the malaise thatâs fallen over him â the napping, the loss of interest in hobbies â reflects this unmet desire. While getting paid to do nothing might suit some, this shift in his workload could be bringing feelings of inadequacy, failure or even fear. He could be wondering if heâll ever get to work again.
Many people express trepidation about transitioning to retired life â itâs a huge life shift that can knock you back on your heels even if youâre looking forward to it. It seems your husband is being shoved in that direction and so this transition is rocky. It could even be equally stressful to him to see you so busy when heâs decidedly not.
I know that itâs been a rough couple of months but consider that this is a relatively short amount of time in the span of a career. The napping wonât last forever, but your husband may need a helping hand out of this funk.
See if you can talk with him directly about how heâs feeling. And, if possible, try working elsewhere for a day or two a week â a coffee shop, the library, a coworking space. This might give you both the space you need to navigate this period.
Dear Eric : Iâve been âfriendsâ with a couple for more than 20 years. In retrospect our engagements always seem to be about partying. We attended both their sonsâ weddings. Yet I still feel that they hold me at a distance.
The wife of the couple has no trouble telling me about a gathering sheâs having to which we are not invited. Or how sheâs having another person over for a holiday dinner (because they will be alone) without asking if my husband and I will also be alone for that day.
Recently, I initiated an invite to get together for happy hour when my sister was visiting from out of town. I got a reply that was somewhat hurtful: They couldnât possibly meet for an hour or so during the seven days she would be here because my âfriendâ was hosting a 70th birthday party for her husband and they would be busy.
Geez, way to tell me our friendship isnât valuable enough to invite us to a milestone birthday for someone weâve known for 25 years.
Years ago, I got disgusted and felt that I was the one who always initiated getting together, so I stopped calling. Two years went by without her contacting me. I eventually called and things went on as usual.
Ironically when I explained why I âdropped off,â she didnât really understand.
Why do I keep this relationship going? Is it even a relationship?
â Are We Friends?
