DEAR MISS MANNERS: I bought a drink at a coffee shop that came to $4.22 with tax. I was presented with three tip options: $1, $2 or $3 — 25%, 50% or 75%, respectively.
Since there weren’t any seats left in the shop, and therefore I was taking my coffee to go (thus reducing the need to clean off a table or otherwise deal with my presence in the store), I tipped $1 (25%).
The barista glared at me as though I’d insulted her, and looked like she’d been slapped in the face.
What am I missing? I realize coffee shop workers aren’t rich, but my job doesn’t pay extravagant wages, either. I tip more when I consume my drink in the shop, or when I pose some kind of inconvenience to the staff.
GENTLE READER: When it comes to tipping, which is supposed to be a compliment, it is almost impossible not to insult someone somehow.
Miss Manners once found herself giving offense by tipping a hotel worker for storing her luggage. It seems that he was a manager, and thus above accepting tips — a stance she admires but rarely encounters.
The tip Miss Manners will give you is to tip in cash. Doing it electronically, and in full view of the other party, is designed to shame the customer into being more generous than intended. Better not to fall for it.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a few old friends scattered around the country who will only talk on the phone if they’re actively doing something else.
This leads to a variety of acoustic challenges: wind or traffic noise, transactions with shopkeepers, dishes banging, etc.
One of my oldest friends even says, when I call, “Wait, I’ll put on my headset and go walking.” The call instantly deteriorates in sound quality. When I complained that it was taxing to always have to discern background clatter from her words, she protested, “Well, I can’t just talk to you!”
I am guilty of this, too — I once found myself playing chess online while speaking to my mother — but I do sometimes wish there was a way around this modern habit of constant multitasking.
I should add that it seems odd and unfriendly to require all parties to give me their full attention while I speak to them.
GENTLE READER: Yes, we are all guilty of this. Well, almost all. And yes, some are better at disguising it than others.
But phone calls that sound like they are coming from a wind tunnel — or worse, ones that are interrupted by screams of “You chowder-headed flapdoodle! No, not you. I was talking to this know-nothing!” — are not the successful examples of multitasking they think they are.
Miss Manners suggests that if it becomes too distracting, you offer to call back or meet up in person. Preferably indoors and away from traffic.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been riding to the gym with a person twice a week, but I want to stop because I am not enjoying being with her. What is a good way to let her know without hurt feelings?
GENTLE READER: “I have to change the days that I work out.”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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