Dear Eric: Two weeks ago, we interred my mother’s ashes in a small ceremony in Panama, where she was born and raised.
An alcoholic, my mother was highly abusive, both psychologically and physically. Despite repeated requests from me and my brothers as adults, she refused to acknowledge her abuse.
At the service, in my brief comments, I noted that while Mom had joined Alcoholics Anonymous, she had never 12th-stepped with us, but that I was now forgiving her. I took this step largely because neither of my brothers had mentioned her abuse at the service and I was sort of damned if I was going to let her go to her grave on a lie.
I quickly realized that having made this public utterance, that I needed to actually forgive her in my heart. I think that means I need to let go of my anger toward her.
My anger toward her is there but it’s not all-consuming. I’m a generally upbeat, positive person and I don’t tend to dwell on the past. But I feel I’ve made this public commitment and now need to carry through with it. Any suggestions?
– Trying to Move Forward
Dear Forward: I’m sorry for the loss of your mother and for the abuse you endured.
Though your utterance at the funeral was unexpected, it sounds like it’s what your heart was ready for and in need of. You would have preferred, I’m sure, that some sort of healing and amends happen with your mother. But you have accessed a concept that often eludes us – that we have the power to reframe and release relationships, even when pain from the relationship persists.
Consider working with a therapist who specializes in families of those who suffer from alcoholism and attending a SMART Recovery Family and Friends meeting or Al-Anon. You’re under no obligation to rush your forgiveness, no matter what you said, but it will help you to talk through the complicated feelings that your grief and the history of abuse have brought up. In these groups, you’ll find people who understand what you’ve been through and can help you move forward.
Ultimately, this act will be one of self-love. You’re showing yourself that you’re worthy of being free of the anger that’s weighed you down. Give it the time it needs and continue to be gentle with yourself.
Dear Eric: Recently I ran into a friend who invited me for coffee with another friend.
I don’t care for the other friend because he is misogynistic and opinionated. I didn’t explain any of this and politely declined the offer, but I felt no explanation was required.
If this comes up again, do I owe this person reasons why I don’t enjoy the other person’s company? I don’t want to malign the guy since she enjoys his company, and he is perfectly nice, but I am just not interested.
– Coffee Date
Dear Coffee: It’s absolutely fine to decline the invitation with no explanation.
This other friend is not your cup of tea (or coffee, as it were). That happens and, with casual run-ins and friendly, low stakes invites, you don’t always need to go into detail about the why behind the decline.
However, if this other friend is misogynistic, then he’s not “perfectly nice.” If your friend has missed that aspect, you have the chance to point it out, should this situation arise again. What your friend does with that opinion is up to them.
Dear Eric: I am responding to “Lonely Lawyer,” the late-20s, Black female attorney looking for love.
As a female lawyer, also the first in my family to go to college let alone law school, I empathize with her. I’m from a white, working-class background, and my family also didn’t understand my pursuit of higher education.
I believe she should find and join lawyer groups, such as the National Bar Association or National Conference of Black Lawyers, that cater to Black attorneys. Also, many city and state bar associations have Black Women Lawyers Association, where she can meet and mingle with women such as herself.
She is still young and only three years into her legal career. Concentrate on your career, meeting other attorneys, going to bar meetings and conferences. If you live in a small town in the Deep South, then find out what Black female attorneys are doing in your state’s largest city.
Being busy and concentrating on your legal career should be your priority right now. The love life will follow and happen organically.
– Lawyer in the Midwest
Dear Lawyer: Professional associations can be a real gift, both for growing one’s career and building one’s social circle. And Lonely Lawyer is likely to find others, like you, who understand where she’s coming from and can offer wise guidance.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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