Dear Eric: I am compelled to respond to your advice to “Caregiver Sibling,” who was seemingly taking care of her 93-year-old mother with little assistance from her siblings.
When my mother passed away three years ago, it became clear that I was going to do the majority of my father’s caregiving and handling of his affairs. I told my siblings to create a spreadsheet, and everyone lists their expenses associated with Dad’s care (airfare, rental car, gas). Any time taken off work qualifies for $100 a day. Upon his passing, everyone who has expenses will be reimbursed.
My dad now lives with me and my family. In my area, the starting rate for senior housing is $4,500 per month, so I charge $2,500 per month for his care. To date, I have reimbursable expenses totaling $80,000.
The attorney that we worked with when my dad rewrote his will said he wished more people would do this. My friends said they regret not thinking of this.
I love my father and would not have it any other way; however, as I told my siblings, I am doing this for him and not for them.
This has allowed our sibling relationship to remain intact and there is no resentment or anger. At the end of each year, I give my siblings a current balance so that they are aware.
I can enjoy the time my family has with my dad and be free of negativity associated with lackluster siblings.
– Caregiver Taken Care Of
Dear Caregiver: What I love most about this solution is that it’s rooted in clear communication with your siblings and father (and an attorney). This saves a lot of strife.
Dear Eric: My niece contacted me and said she was coming to a college reunion near me. She wondered if she and her family could stay at my home during the weekend.
I was happy to have them, and they had a good time. My wife and I cooked several meals for them and loaned them a car.
Their final evening, we all went out to dinner (six of them and two of us), and when the bill came it was placed on the table between my nephew and me.
He never made a move, so I reached for it and paid for it all. He didn’t offer to share and, in not doing so, didn’t even give me the chance to express my generosity and say, “I’ve got it.”
I felt disappointed and used. How would you have handled this?
– Upset Uncle
Dear Uncle: Oh my! Your nephew should have offered to pay.
Or, if that wasn’t within the family’s means, he could have said something beforehand and found another way to show their gratitude. Did they bring a gift basket? Did they send a thank-you note? I certainly hope so.
In the moment, you might have said, “Shall we split it?” Or even, “Would you mind treating us?” Although it sounds like you’d already planned to treat them. Perhaps he intuited that and was trying not to insult. Still, no one wants to have their generosity assumed.
When the check comes, it’s best to put expectations on the table before credit cards.
Dear Eric: With regard to the letter from a person whose brother is ailing and needs family support (“Torn Apart”), there are law firms all around the country that practice a process called Life Care Planning, which helps deal with legal, financial and health issues that come up when a family member is facing a new health situation, from ones like this reader detailed to those struggling with cognitive impairment issues. These life care planning firms can be found at lcplfa.org.
Life care planning connects families with a lawyer to address legal issues, as well as an Elder Care Coordinator, normally a nurse or social worker, to help address health and care needs. I’ll be clear that these services can be expensive up front but can help families save money in the long run.
For the record, I myself am not a lawyer, but work at a firm that does Life Care Planning, and I have been amazed by the effect the work can have on families.
– Reader
Dear Reader: Thank you – this is a great option.
Dear Eric: I read about the older couple who are always invited to gift-giving parties but never holiday ones (“Heartbroken”).
They did not say that they had ever invited folks to a holiday party at their place. I wonder if they did, the friends might get the idea and reciprocate.
– Party Host
Dear Host: A great idea, if they have the capacity. And a nice way to put their own stamp on family tradition.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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