I provoked my fiancee with wedding photos, and she hit the roof

DEAR ABBY: I have a disagreement with my fiancee. “Fran” has been a widow for nearly six years, and we have been dating for four years.

I have been divorced for 34 years from a woman who gave me two sons. Fran has a son and a daughter, who live nearby. She has her own place, and I have mine; we live less than two miles apart.

Our disagreement is about two portraits of her late husband she has hanging in her home, in plain sight for everyone who comes into the house to see. I have asked her to remove them, but she refuses.

In order to see her reaction, I put my wedding photos with my ex-wife on display. When Fran saw them, she hit the roof and demanded that I take them down. I told her no, since she refuses to give her son and daughter the portraits of her late husband.

Can you provide us with any advice?

— PICTURING A PROBLEM IN FLORIDA

DEAR PICTURING: Grow up.

Fran’s husband is dead, gone and not a threat to your relationship with her. He is, however, part of her history, and if you can’t accept that, it’s time to deal with your insecurities.

Retaliating by hanging pictures from a marriage that didn’t make it to the finish line 34 years ago was petty.

If gazing at those wedding photos actually brings you joy, keep them on display, but that’s not really why you did it, is it?

DEAR ABBY: Ever since I was a child, my mom has regarded me as wise, thoughtful and intelligent. She has confided about family issues, tensions at church and cheating at her workplace.

Abby, I don’t want to be her confidant.

Am I doomed to always hear her never-ending problems? She creates them herself by jumping to conclusions and suspecting everyone has ill intentions. While I understand this is to protect herself, it’s exhausting to listen to and to advise when I know nothing will change.

The worst part is that I can’t confide in her. She doesn’t understand my perspective. I don’t think she even tries. Our relationship is one-sided. Sometimes I feel like I’m her mom.

She talks to no one else like this and refuses to go to therapy.

I’m a senior in high school and plan to go to college. I don’t want to leave her like this. How can I help her?

— CAPTIVE CONFIDANT IN IOWA

DEAR CAPTIVE CONFIDANT: The best chance you have of helping your emotionally dependent mother would be to start by helping yourself.

Begin making plans about where you will go to college, creating plenty of physical space between you and Mom.

The next time she starts confiding (which, from what you have written, seems more like gossiping), tell her you don’t have time to listen and that she should discuss it with a contemporary who has more life experience than you. (It’s the truth.) She won’t like hearing it and may try to make you feel guilty, but don’t fall for it.

Keep repeating to your mother that her problems are more than you can handle and that talking to you about them hasn’t helped her, which is why you want her to talk with a licensed mental health professional. That, my girl, would be the best way to help your mother.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

Leave a Comment Cancel reply