Dear Eric: I have a 1-year-old grandchild and am frustrated that I don’t have the freedom to give them whatever I choose.
The parents have prepared a precisely curated wish list of acceptable items and fully expect that I only give exact items from the list. I am not to stray from the brand, feature and even color of the item.
I have been rebuked twice by my son for giving a variation of something on the list and criticized for not acknowledging that they know what’s best for their child. They say I should not take it personally.
I feel that the joy of shopping for and presenting gifts to my grandchild has been completely usurped. At a recent occasion, they most valued a book that was not on the list, which they received from a family member.
How do we resolve this issue?
– Joyless Grandparent
Dear Grandparent: Follow the list. They’ve asked twice (actually three times, considering the original list was an ask).
Sure, they’re being neurotic and controlling about this. It sounds like they have a condition called Being New Parents.
Your grandchild is only 1 and doesn’t know who gave the gifts. It’s likely your grandchild is not totally certain what the gifts are yet.
But every time you press this, you run the risk of communicating to your son and daughter-in-law that you don’t approve of the way they’re parenting. And that can make a lasting impression.
See if you can find joy in purchasing the gifts they want simply because they want them and you’re helping them to be the kind of parents they want to be.
There will be plenty of years to deviate from the list and shop to your heart’s content. Plus, when your grandchild is older, they’ll actually be able to understand that your gifts are from you. So, if you see something that you absolutely have to get, consider grabbing it and stashing it in a closet for later.
It’s possible that this is indicative of a bigger issue. Do you find yourselves butting heads about other subjects or is it just about gifts? That’s worth thinking about and, at a later date, talking through with your son and daughter-in-law. But, for now, give them the gift of honoring their wishes.
Dear Eric: My friend recently got engaged to a man she’s only known for nine months.
I’m certain she would have married him after much less because he fits with what an ideal or “fairytale” life looks like. She is very much a “look at me” person on social media, and having a partner after being single for so long is a real moment for her.
This man has only hung out with her parents and kids, not really any of her close friends. The only time he has spent time with her friends, he didn’t really engage with us/them at all, and there has always been an excuse to cut the visit short.
A few of her friends – including me – think that she’s jumping into a relationship/marriage with him too quickly because it’s a pattern behavior for her, but she swears she’s in love and her future is with this guy.
It’s truly hard to be happy for a friend’s engagement when I’d have a hard time picking him out of a lineup.
This has caused a bit of strain in our friendship, which had been a bit distant in the last couple of years as it were, and I’m feeling a bit lost. I don’t feel like she would be open to a conversation about my concerns, nor do I honestly care to have said conversation.
At this point, I’d rather just let the friendship fizzle. However, it’s a bit difficult in that I’m in a friend group (and group text) where the others don’t want to rock the boat, so are pretending that our friendship is where it’s always been.
What are my options here?
– Friends vs. Fiancé
Dear Friends: It sounds like this engagement is the last straw for you in a friendship that isn’t working on either side anymore. That happens sometimes – two people grow apart, and a quality that once was easy to overlook becomes an inflection point.
From your letter, it seems your friend’s focus on appearances is the quality that’s an issue. It also seems that you know the root of the problem – possibly insecurity or loneliness.
Try to reframe your thinking by remembering that we don’t always have to agree with our friends’ choices and that the journeys they’re on are different from ours. This could make the group friendship and text chain more bearable.
But, if you can’t stomach your other friends pretending that everything is fine, it may be time to detach with love from the group.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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