He dumps all his darkness and drama on our elderly mother

Dear Eric: I am the oldest of three siblings, all in our 50s. I am very close to my middle brother. Both of us have spouses and young adult children.

The two of us would like to build a similar relationship with our youngest brother but instead we both have made active decisions to create firm boundaries of time and distance from him, as he is consistently negative when speaking about all aspects of his life. He complains constantly, and he creates unpleasant drama where there is none.

He will not consider therapy, support groups or any gentle suggestion with regard to how he could improve his mood.

We lost our dad to Alzheimer’s last year. Our younger brother, the closest to him, staunchly refused to prepare himself in any way for the death, although we urged him to do so.

He is now using our elderly mother as a therapist, talking to her for hours on end about all his worries and anxieties. This is a huge burden on her, and we have discussed it. She is enabling him, and she agrees that this is true but cannot stop herself. Her decision.

I know his grief has exacerbated his existing problems. I believe he has undiagnosed mental illness.

We want to protect our mother from spending her final years with all her joy obscured by his darkness. We have tried encouragement, extra attention, less attention – everything. It is a constant source of stress and sadness, and we have decided we need therapy, even if he excludes the possibility. What do you advise?

– At Our Wit’s End

Dear Wit’s End: I feel sad for your mom and for your brother; they’re stuck in tough positions. Knowing that there are solutions available and being able to avail oneself of those solutions are sometimes two very different things.

Therapy for yourself is a good idea. It will help you to process the frustration and grief you’re feeling about your brother’s behavior. It will also help you accept your mother’s decision to be a sounding board for your brother.

Acceptance will free you from the desire to change it or her and will probably make it easier for you to bring a much-needed joy into your mother’s life.

Dear Eric: I’m part of a group that meets up on a regular basis to engage in a hobby. These gatherings have been a great refuge for me. We have enjoyable, interesting conversations and a great rapport.

One friend, “Rose,” has started including her daughter “Tracy” in some of these gatherings, which has changed the group dynamic and, frankly, made things not fun anymore.

Tracy is immature for her age (early 20s), is very negative and critical, and she frequently interrupts to steer conversations to herself, among other rude behaviors. Rose never addresses Tracy’s poor manners.

I feel for Tracy, as she doesn’t have a job nor does she seem to have any friends of her own, but she’s an adult and these are her choices. Ordinarily, I’m an inclusive person, but I’ve reached a breaking point concerning Tracy.

I could speak directly (and kindly) to Tracy when she’s disruptive or talk to Rose about why she doesn’t correct her daughter’s poor behavior. But Rose has publicly thrown things back in my face in the past, so I can’t imagine what would happen if I called out her daughter in front of her or suggested that her daughter is ill-mannered.

I could bow out of events that Tracy will attend, but it’d be awkward to ask Rose in advance if Tracy’s going, then say I can’t go.

I cherish these friends and want to continue meeting up with them, but I can’t think of a good solution to this situation.

– Anti-Social Group

Dear Group: It sounds like Rose and Tracy have challenging aspects to their personalities. Perhaps both are related to mental health conditions or neurodivergence, perhaps not. But it’s likely that Rose is bringing Tracy as a way of helping her daughter navigate social challenges. So, you may feel differently if you apply another standard to Tracy.

Going into your meetings with the thought “Tracy is doing her best and Rose is doing what she thinks is best” puts you in a different mindset than the thought “Tracy’s bad manners ruin my time.”

It also sets you up to potentially have a conversation with Rose that isn’t focused on chastising but rather on accommodating everyone’s needs, yours and Tracy’s included.

I don’t want to put this all on you. I recognize the frustration you’re feeling. But more often than not, we’re the only ones we can change. Accepting that this is what Rose has chosen to do will help you let go of what you expect from the group and work with what is.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

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